I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
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“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Going into Monday like
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
This could’ve been an email.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month