young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
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[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
thanks auntie mary
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.