I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
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A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Bros before Ohioes
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …