[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
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Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married