@caliluvgirl77

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

@caliluvgirl77

[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”

@caliluvgirl77

him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same

@caliluvgirl77

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

@caliluvgirl77

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

@caliluvgirl77

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

@caliluvgirl77

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

@caliluvgirl77

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

@caliluvgirl77

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD