Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
How old do I look?
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD