I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
You Might Also Like
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
and now we wait
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop