If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
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Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.