Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
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I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy