This 4th of July, please remember…
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It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
#Caturday
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Meat Cute
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]