@callmeEvian

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

@callmeEvian

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

@callmeEvian

Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.

@callmeEvian

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

@callmeEvian

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

@callmeEvian

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

@callmeEvian

Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I shit you knot.

@callmeEvian

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

@callmeEvian

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.