Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.