First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
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*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Mistakes were made
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
🤣🤣🤣
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud