Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
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remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.