“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
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i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.