“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
You Might Also Like
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
“No way.” -Jose
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.