[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
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*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]