I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
You Might Also Like
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.