I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
You Might Also Like
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
why isn’t he texting back
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.