Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
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If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.