I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
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If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?