@capnmcfword

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

@capnmcfword

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

@capnmcfword

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

@capnmcfword

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

@capnmcfword

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.