Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of capnmcfword's best tweets

@capnmcfword : I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

@capnmcfword: Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

@capnmcfword: People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I'm gonna stop coming to work now.

@capnmcfword: He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

@capnmcfword: If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I'm inviting you to race shopping carts, you're my kinda people.

@capnmcfword: I wasn't trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.