@capnwatsisname

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT

@capnwatsisname

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

@capnwatsisname

Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”

@capnwatsisname

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

@capnwatsisname

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

@capnwatsisname

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

@capnwatsisname

[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt

@capnwatsisname

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

@capnwatsisname

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

@capnwatsisname

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*