@captainkalvis

[hits blunt]

how come i dont pee bubbles when i drink Sprite

[hits it again]

ah guess its ok, wouldn’t want a tingly dingus

@captainkalvis

me: what are they in for

zookeeper: this isn’t a prison

me: so they can leave

zookeeper: well no

me: [pointing to penguin] i bet that one killed somebody

zookeeper: he is not a murderer. he is just a penguin.

penguin: [grins, makes the throat slitting gesture]

@captainkalvis

therapist: what’s your biggest fear

me: ghost chameleons bc they have

therapist: [gasps] double invisibility

@captainkalvis

It’s a good thing earthquakes don’t happen in Texas lmao mfers would be outside shooting the ground

@captainkalvis

date: so tell me about yourself

me: i am comprised of atoms

date: haha no like what do you do

me: i pump blood through my organs and fire synapses in my brain

date: for like fun, i mean

me: sex and television

alien boss: [through ear piece] crushing it dude

@captainkalvis

executioner: any last words

me: yes, I wish murder was legal

my genie: [appears] your wish is my command

executioner: you’re free to go

me: [getting up] haha hell yes

executioner: [stabs me as I leave] idiot

@captainkalvis

dexters lab creator: ok so he’s a boy genius

executive: ok

creator: who hates his sister

executive: is that it?

creator: [sweating] and uh… has a made up accent for no reason that no one else in his family has

executive: SOLD

@captainkalvis

me: i want a gun

Chuck E Cheese employee: sir, this is a-

me: chuck e cheese, i know. but i have [lowering sunglasses] 100,000 tickets.

employee: [checks to make sure no one is looking] come with me

@captainkalvis

date: [walking out of the theater after seeing happy feet] that was so cute

me: [has a foot fetish] it was fine