Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
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If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.