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Page of captainkalvis's best tweets

@captainkalvis : It's a good thing earthquakes don't happen in Texas lmao mfers would be outside shooting the ground

@captainkalvis: date: so tell me about yourself

me: i am comprised of atoms

date: haha no like what do you do

me: i pump blood through my organs and fire synapses in my brain

date: for like fun, i mean

me: sex and television

alien boss: [through ear piece] crushing it dude

@captainkalvis: executioner: any last words

me: yes, I wish murder was legal

my genie: [appears] your wish is my command

executioner: you’re free to go

me: [getting up] haha hell yes

executioner: [stabs me as I leave] idiot

@captainkalvis: dexters lab creator: ok so he's a boy genius

executive: ok

creator: who hates his sister

executive: is that it?

creator: [sweating] and uh... has a made up accent for no reason that no one else in his family has

executive: SOLD

@captainkalvis: me: i want a gun

Chuck E Cheese employee: sir, this is a-

me: chuck e cheese, i know. but i have [lowering sunglasses] 100,000 tickets.

employee: [checks to make sure no one is looking] come with me

@captainkalvis: date: [walking out of the theater after seeing happy feet] that was so cute

me: [has a foot fetish] it was fine

@captainkalvis: cat: [running around chasing a laser]

dog sniper: god damn it

@captainkalvis: me: my hot water doesn’t work

landlord: not my domain

firelord: nor mine

me: what

waterlord: [rising out of the sink] WHO DARES DISRUPT THE MIGHTY WATERLORD, GOD OF THE 7 SEAS

me: i-i do. My hot water doesn’t work

waterlord: oh shit for real? i'll call the plumber

@captainkalvis: friend: is this tv high definition

me: let’s check. TV, what’s alfredo sauce?

TV: *rips bong* pasta frosting