@captainkalvis

me: my hot water doesn’t work

landlord: not my domain

firelord: nor mine

me: what

waterlord: [rising out of the sink] WHO DARES DISRUPT THE MIGHTY WATERLORD, GOD OF THE 7 SEAS

me: i-i do. My hot water doesn’t work

waterlord: oh shit for real? i’ll call the plumber

@captainkalvis

friend: is this tv high definition

me: let’s check. TV, what’s alfredo sauce?

TV: *rips bong* pasta frosting

@captainkalvis

[in bed]
me: can i share something without being judged

date: um ok sure what is it

me: i… i have a foot fetish

date: oh that’s not that weird i-

me: *placing her exactly 12 inches from me* ohhhh yeah that’s the stuff

@captainkalvis

me: *pulling the covers up* five more minutes

nurse: sir if we don’t use the defibrillator now your heart will stop for good

@captainkalvis

friend: so, things are going well?

Girlfriend: he’s so sweet

[she looks out the window to see me reaching down to pluck a flower]

Girlfriend: but sometimes I just-

[she looks back to see me, eating the flower I just pulled and inspecting another]

@captainkalvis

wife: our house is burning to the ground! We have to call the fire marshall

me: great idea [to the fire] MARSHALL! QUIT BURNING OUR HOUSE DOWN!

@captainkalvis

me: would you ever hit someone with a car for $50

Date: oh dear god no

Me: *counting my money* what about $57?

@captainkalvis

friend: whats the matter

me: just found out i have a latex allergy

friend: oh shit that means you can’t-

me: *tearing up* eat anymore balloons