If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
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I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁