@captainkalvis

DATE

her: i just wish our relationship was a little more… spontaneous

me (holding a lighter to the table cloth): ive got just the thing

@captainkalvis

*uptown funk comes on*

Guy: honey this HAS to be our first dance at our wedding

Honey: lol I’m made by bees

@captainkalvis

CRIME SCENE

me: four dots in his neck, i suspect two vampires

british officer: what about that bloody fork

me: this is no time to eat sir