[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
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The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
May have had one breakfast too many
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.