Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
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just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Uh oh…
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
A short story of betrayal:
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
😂🤣😂🤣
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?