Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
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I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART