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Page of carlyken's best tweets

@carlyken : husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

@carlyken: bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

@carlyken: doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

@carlyken: The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

@carlyken: If you date a guy long enough he'll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
"Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

@carlyken: me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

@carlyken: me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

@carlyken: [ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?


@carlyken: me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

@carlyken: [dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day