“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
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Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?