Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
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Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?