Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
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excuse me
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.