after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
i dont have time for this
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed