inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
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If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.