Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.