Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
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The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
nothing saves money like being antisocial
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet