ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
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Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*