When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
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the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
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If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.