*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want