Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of catstronomical's best tweets

@catstronomical : [awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

@catstronomical: *carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

@catstronomical: Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

@catstronomical: *grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

@catstronomical: ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

@catstronomical: Me: I've got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

@catstronomical: Him: don't say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby

@catstronomical: Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat's head* you're a pretty pretty princess!

@catstronomical: I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

@catstronomical: What if I don't take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression