I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
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BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Does this dress make me look cat?
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.