@cbdoubleu

Who called it Orion’s Belt instead of a waist of space?

@cbdoubleu

[hands a flat-earther a frisbee] here’s a basket ball

@cbdoubleu

[Imagine Dragons Concert]

me, a rebel: *thinking about cats*

@cbdoubleu

Who called it a birth certificate instead of a born identity?

@cbdoubleu

Well, I’ve got to hand it to you.

-Guy explaining how the baton works in a relay race.

@cbdoubleu

*covers himself in Nutella to hide his body heat from the Predator*

@cbdoubleu

Hulk Hogan: I struggled to overcome manic-depression.

Me [as his therapist]: So you could say you had to wrestle mania?

*gets leg dropped*

@cbdoubleu

[Going through rubble after a house fire]

Her [holding photo albums]: Totally ruined.

Me [holding slices of bread]: Pretty much toast.

@cbdoubleu

Wife: I lost my day planner.

Me: Not in your briefcase?

W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE.

M: Well it looks like you’ve got a hidden agenda

W:

@cbdoubleu

[Arouses Suspicion]

Suspicion: I don’t want to ruin our friendship.