Who called it Orion’s Belt instead of a waist of space?
[hands a flat-earther a frisbee] here’s a basket ball
[Imagine Dragons Concert]
me, a rebel: *thinking about cats*
Who called it a birth certificate instead of a born identity?
Well, I’ve got to hand it to you.
-Guy explaining how the baton works in a relay race.
*covers himself in Nutella to hide his body heat from the Predator*
Hulk Hogan: I struggled to overcome manic-depression.
Me [as his therapist]: So you could say you had to wrestle mania?
*gets leg dropped*
[Going through rubble after a house fire]
Her [holding photo albums]: Totally ruined.
Me [holding slices of bread]: Pretty much toast.
Wife: I lost my day planner.
Me: Not in your briefcase?
W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE.
M: Well it looks like you’ve got a hidden agenda
Suspicion: I don’t want to ruin our friendship.