Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
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Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son