I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
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i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.