When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
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Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.