Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
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is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
i meant to share this earlier
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.