@ceejoyner

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it

@ceejoyner

An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career

@ceejoyner

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

@ceejoyner

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

@ceejoyner

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

@ceejoyner

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

@ceejoyner

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

@ceejoyner

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

@ceejoyner

wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us

@ceejoyner

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”