said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”