Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
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WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
🤣😂
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.