I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
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Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.