🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
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*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Autocorrect completely socks
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.