@cellapaz

sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?

@cellapaz

me: you’re my favorite son…who’s your favorite mom?

son: dad

@cellapaz

A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation

@cellapaz

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

@cellapaz

You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.

NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA

@cellapaz

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

@cellapaz

Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?

@cellapaz

I’m glad Netflix added Unsolved Mysteries. I’ve already watched Forensic Files a few times and I need some fresh new alibis.

@cellapaz

Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.