My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
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I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”